So today has been quite confusing, and overall dissapointing for me.

I never realized how easy it is to think you know someone.We think we know people, and their intentions. We think we know who they are and what they want from us; And in return, we give them our attention, and most importantly, some of that lovin'.

I'm not just talking about kiss-your-grandma-on-the-cheek-goodbye kind of love. Oh no, I'm talking about that real, passionate and committed type of shit.

Which can be amazing, dont get me wrong.

Just to know that one person has the power to make you so incredibly satisfied, is enough to take every breath away from a human soul. Sometimes you have so much love for a person that it turns your stomach upside down and makes you bite your nails with excitement, and fall deep into ecstasy when you get to touch their face, or press your lips against theirs.

It's when that person takes advantage, however, that we must wonder who they really are.

I thought he was so precious, and nothing but sugary sweet.

I thought he a delicious lover, who was nothing but satisfied with having just me.

I thought he would put me before any other girl in the world, no matter who she was or what she looked like.

I thought he was long-term material, and that we had the potential to spend a lifetime together.

I thought he was beautiful.

I thought he was Ryan.

I thought he was my Ryan.

And as we all know, those thoughts can be so overwhelming and they are truly the center of our minds....

But everyone has made the common mistake of assuming they didnt have to think twice.

It's been so amazingly long since I have blogged. I guess every once in a while life has this dreary way of turning and twisting everything around- tearing us from the little essentials we love to indulge in.

And though life can be tough to conquer, I'm back... and it begins.

I guess an update is appropriate.

Not long ago, I found myself trapped in this wretched box. Inside that box was my lonley life, and my regret for the past. Something was holding me back from exploring my personal potential, and nothing seemed to be logical. I had few things to indulge in, and no one to love. Usually our intuition give us an inch of light to look at, to keep our spines straight- I, however, couldn't see that light. I was stuck in this phase of self-pity.

I realized on my own that almost always, we need to take a few steps back in order to move foward. Then that way, we are free to run.

Since I've come across this new found self acceptance, things have most certainly been different. Not always better, but different.

Looking at life through a solid shade of satisfaction is such an altering experience.

I suggest it to every human being.

 I realized that the summer months seemed to have faded away so quickly. I ask myself where I've been, and how I managed to let time slip through my fingertips, as I occupied myself with useless things.  

There are just so many things I've missed out on, and I never hesitated to pass up opportunities. I regret all of those breezy beautiful nights I spent lying in my bed, with air conditioning blasting throughout my room.

I can't fathom why I missed so many social gatherings and chances to bond with people, causing me to step out of my comfort zone.

But what gets me the most, is why I always find myself completely lost in regret, and wishing that I had done things a different way. Why must my level of satisfaction always be set at a temporary level?

I've come to a conclusion:

Happiness and acceptance go hand in hand, along with a bad memory.

Sometimes I just get so disgusted.

Like when I wake up in the morning to a horny asshole with the hardest hard-on, rubbing up against my leg.

Or giving head and having to breath out of my nose for 5 minutes, while my head is rested on my hand because my jaw hurts so fucking bad.

I get disgusted as all hell when my best friend ditches me for her boyfriend constantly, and I catch her in her lies while shes wearing my favorite shirt that she's had for months.

I hate when my mom leaves these stupid bitchy messages on my cell phone. Seriously, I hate it.

Or when I get lipstick on my teeth. That just pisses me off to unknown extents.

I cant stomach when people apologize for things they don't understand. Obviously they arent sorry.

 Clearly, I cant find a way to be happy today, tomorrow, even the next day it seems

He made me a grilled cheese.

And I promise to all of you, that it was the best grilled cheese I've ever had in my whole entire life. It was just the right temperature, and the cheese melted gently in my mouth, without empowering my tongue.

I think it was made with love, but he could have spit in it when I wasn't looking.